"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..."
This has been building up for at least a few months now. I wonder if we can be so happy in other aspects of our life that it outweighs the grief and frustration in another part of it?
If so, then it looks like my abundance of joy everywhere else is stretching thin now. It can only bolster me for so much longer.
Ever since our latest restructuring in my department I have become more and more dissatisfied with my work. The profession which I used to love so much has now become a job that makes me miserable. I can even feel it in my body; after 3 or so days of being out of the office I start to feel physically ill as I prepare to return.
I do not think I am one for such melodramatics so surely this must mean something severe.
Surely everyone else around me has noticed this? I have gone from the top of my game to rarely/barely achieving the minimum. And I know what it is: the office they have placed me in is sucking all the joy and pride out of my work. They say our office has low-morale and we must work as a team. Call me defeatist but this office will never work as a team. I have never experienced such a hostile office where backstabbers and artificial camaraderie surround you on all sides. It exhausts me.
Still, I have love and hope for our company. It's just that there is clearly no way I can remain and ever be happy in my current position. Therein lies the hugest problem. The solution is simple: transfer me to a happier, healthier work environment. But with the industry and economy being the way that it is I can't see myself finding a way out of here soon.
My patience is wearing thin. I so want to be happy again. Work should never make you cry, cause you misery on a regular basis. But fear of taking a chance keeps me under their thumb. No other companies in my field seem to be hiring at the moment, and even if they did I don't know if I would have the guts to make the move.
Last one hired is the first one laid off. My tenure at my company is precious at a time like this. Not infallible, but a little more secure than other situations I could consider.
On the other hand, my happiness should be a priority as well. Since I have started at this office little hints of my unhappiness have been showing without me knowing it. My best friend pointed out I have not gone dating in months. When I responded that I did not really feel like it lately she pointed the finger at my work situation. (What else can I call it but a situation?)
Highly probable.
Also, due to the scheduling in this office I have not had a chance to take any more dance classes or swim classes. Classes that kept me energized, satisfied, and happy.
Happy: such a simple word but there really is no better way to say it.
*sigh* How did I deserve to be put in this mess? I work my best for them and they toss me into the most miserable office as a reward, it would seem. Loyalty can only keep me bonded to them so much. I feel like a convict digging her way out of her prison with a spoon, covering it up with a newspaper. If things get any worse and a (somewhat secure feeling) prospect comes along I really think it would be in my best personal interest to jump ship.
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