Chinookbug, the lady who led me to discover the joys of blogging, has the same cancer as me. Someone on her blog asked her (they didn't know about her "situation", it was just a random question) about dying and her thoughts on it and all. She replied that it made her life simpler and clearer (don't quote me on that, but that's the general gist I got from her response). I would have to agree with her. It's a rather peaceful feeling, if u ask me. Of course, when I first found out about my diagnosis, I cried and cried and felt sorry for myself. I thought of everything and everyone I would miss around here. Cancer was equal to death in my eyes back then. I'd freak myself out researching my cancer, reading the mortality rates and giving myself a schedule basically of how much time I had left and what I should do with that time.
Then I don't know when and how, but everything just cleared up in my mind, and I calmed down. I don't panic about what I have and haven't done at this point in my life. Pretty much just making my life as normal as it used to be. I stress a lot less now about everything. There are a lotta people out there, freaking out about stoopid things like traffic, bills, and people who have done them wrong. If people wrong me, for sure I'm ready now to let them know it. But then it's dealt with and I'd move on. It's not worth stressing over. My bills come and I pay them. I want to pay off all my debts before I go.
There's this one dumb girl, we'll call her Ssoberr, who always phones Daisy asking if anything exciting is going on in her and my life. That, in Ssoberr girl's mind, translates into "So, have u guys got boyfriends yet?" It's ridiculous. Daisy would tell her about her vacation plans and her new job, but in Ssoberr's mind that was nothing special. I don't know how Daisy puts up with her stoopidity. All I can think of is that worrying about whether or not you have a boyfriend is the dumbest thing one should ever have to even worry about. That's something I used to ponder back in junior high, maybe even as late as high school. But we grow up!!! To be making that a high priority in your life when u're 20-something is completely immature. Some people may argue it's 'cuz I don't know what I'm missing, so to speak. Perhaps I'll give them that argument. But I tell you, if I were to die tomorrow not knowing the "joys" of having a significant other, I would have no regrets. My life is already full of people I love and who love me, and there'll always be room for more, but there is no way I could ever die with a "lack of love." It's just not possible, and for that I'm extremely thankful. And you can say that the love I've experienced thus far is "not the same" as having a special someone in your life....but I've got tons of special someones in my life, so I'm assuming you're referring to romance. Well, you've got me there, but hey, I don't know what I'm missing, right? And if I go one day and never get to "know what I'm missing" when I don't even know that I'm missing something (does that even make sense? *s*) well then how is that supposed to make me sad?
I go to the clubs and I sometimes happen to have a "lil bit of fun." That's all fine and good. At one point during my feeling-sorry-for-myself phase I got a lil panicked that I may die a virgin. Then I realized how utterly foolish I was to even stress over such a thing. What was I supposed to do? Rush off and get laid just for the sake of having said I've done it? That would be a very high-school thing to do. Truth was, it made me realize that now I had an even bigger reason not to cheapen the moment. I've waited this long, why would I just go off and do it and have it be some lil putz? A couple of my friends are pretty big on casual sex, and that's alright for them. I don't think any less of them for choosing that kind of lifestyle, it's just not for me. (Wow, my blog must appear very virgin/sex oriented *lol* but it's only been a lil while that I've been blogging, I promise it won't always be this way) It was a very Ssoberr-like moment for me, to pity myself about my lack of sexual experience. But I'm completely over that now, we now resume our regular programming *s*
Anyways, back to my goddaughter and my "mortal day." Sometimes I wonder if it would be completely irresponsible of me to get married and have kids, only to leave them early on in the game. Just like it would be wrong for me to leave my debts for my family to take care of. What a horrible remembrance of me that would be! I've always wanted a baby, and I would tell people that it doesn't matter to me whether or not there's a husband/father in the picture. These days that sounds really reckless to me...if I'm going to have a baby someday, it's even more important now that I have someone else there who can take care of him or her when I'm gone. But I would hate to leave them so early. I'm not sure what to think about this...but I think that's the one thing that truly makes me sad; that I may never have my own baby.
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