Saturday, February 20, 2016

"It's been a long time; shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to"

Attempt number 5,352,891 at resurrecting my blog.

I gave up social media for Lent and it's proving to be the best sacrifice for me because I sure am missing it! I figured if I can't see what everyone else is up to I may as well try and document what I have been doing.

I just got back from a two-week jaunt to the Philippines to visit loved ones and explore more of that beautiful country. It was definitely not long enough; I did not get to see everyone and everything that I wanted. I did not get to eat everything that I wanted! But two weeks is better than nothing...and the awesome thing is one of my cousins and her family are hoping to come to North America in the fall so fingers crossed I can coordinate with them!

Butch and I have been together for 3.5 years now. It sure does not feel like that much time has passed! (Also, I want a new codeame for Butch. As much as I love Pulp Fiction he needs a more awesome codename. In an attempt to feed my social-media-fast if anyone out there is still reading this or checking into it please send me some suggestions!) At the risk of sounding like someone in a rom-com he's almost the perfect fit for me. His travel style totally jives with mine, we mostly like the same foods, and whenever I'm with him I feel safe and calm. Sometimes I feel too calm and fall asleep while we're watching tv :P I love him.

Daisy is expecting a little one! Actually, a lot of people around me are expecting little ones all of a sudden. Most excellent; more little ones around me means the more I don't need a little one of my own.

But I do want a puppy.

The saga to find a new meaningful career(?) is ongoing. I'm still doing what I do, but it's unfulfilling. But for the life of me I cannot think of what else I want to do. For a while I thought it would be accounting, but when I let the courses fall to the side I convinced myself that maybe that was not my calling if I was so willing to let it go. A friend suggested a career counselor which I think is a great idea but I would probably still need some ideas of interests to present to the counselor...they are not going to just plop me into the role of my dreams if I can't figure out what my dreams are.

Well, this entry has been kind of a dud. It feels like reuniting with a friend that you lost touch with but don't know how to rekindle the friendship. Awkward!

Hopefully I have something better to write next time. I still have over a month of Lent to go!

Tokidoki by Simone Legno

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Love Near and Far

I keep meaning to blog more often but there was always something going on with my computer. Now I have no more excuses; my baby gave me a new computer last Christmas and he set me up with the fancy new Windows last night. Nothing should stop me now.

A lot has gone on all around me. Latina had a baby boy, Civic went to Japan for a semester, my mini BFFs keep growing and being all-around adorable, and Daisy got married. And Butch and I are two years (and a month....but who's counting?) strong. The familia and I went to the Dominican Republic for their first taste (Weird Kid was not with us, alas) of all-inclusive resort vacations. As much as I enjoyed the family time I would have loved to have Butch there with me, too. Hopefully him and I can get away for another vacation sometime. I loved our cruise together.

But with all the happy adventures that go on come some down times. When I got home last night I found out my godmother in the Philippines passed away. She was such a quiet and loving woman. Very emotional, as was my grandpa and my uncle so I know where I get my sappiness from. I had already settled into bed when I got the news so I ran upstairs to ask my dad if he had heard. Mom was already sleeping (I think) but they had all found out earlier and avoided telling me because of my drive home that night. It was smart thinking because I was sobbing heavily for a long while after that. I miss her. I wish I had made more of an effort to visit more often. I think of how long she stayed with us as her body slowly betrayed her. She must be at peace now and the biggest comfort I have is envisioning her up in heaven with my uncle and grandparents. Such huge loving hearts. Is it selfish to wish they were back here? It is. They can rest now. For all of us left behind our want to keep them here with us should not take priority over their pain and discomfort. God knows when to take us back home and he will never give us more suffering than we can endure. I pray that I can remember this when it is my time to go; and at the very least remember and take comfort in the fact that I will see all my loved ones again.

Tokidoki by Simone Legno

Thursday, June 19, 2014

I'm So Fancy

I'm not, really. That song is just stuck in my head right now.

The family and I went to Vegas for a few days during the month that I was Butch-less. It wasn't to escape -- we were celebrating a milestone birthday for mama and throwing in a little fete for Weird Kid as well. We had a great time but I missed Butch whenever I had a moment to think about it, and when I had more than a moment I would get to fretting about whether it would all turn out in the end.

Shortly after we got home he asked to reconvene a few days earlier than scheduled which made me crazy nervous.

We ended up ok.

I think we're ok.

I hope we'll be ok...

Since starting up again I've tried harder to see him more often because I truly want him to be more a part of me. We had the opportunity to go on a cruise together which was bliss. I love him more and more all the time. During our trip he even woke/rescued me from a (stupid) nightmare involving a certain demonic doll. It will be very difficult to let him go.

Why do I keep thinking of that? One morning I woke up kind of choked; I must have looked down (I was not sobbing or anything, but I was a bit teary) because he asked me what was up. I did not want to discuss it so I lied and said it must have been a sad dream that I could not remember. But I remembered quite vividly what had made me so sad that morning. I had had a dream that I was stuck in the corner of his room while he was with another woman. Why I would be stuck in the room is beyond me, and in my dream he even acknowledged I was there. But I couldn't cry in my dream -- all I could do was see what was happening (I cannot even call it "watching" what was happening) and feel intensely sad.

Maybe I am panicking a little as our 2-year approaches. 2 years seems to make or break it for a lot of people. It's science, almost. Hope not. I really like science and it would be tragic to be destroyed by it. Let's not say it's science. Perhaps it is just ill superstition.

Tokidoki by Simone Legno

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Growing Pains

First off, can I just say it is pretty awkward and tedious blogging from my minitablet? Technology not always at its best. Let's see how long I last before I run to my computer downstairs in frustration.

I know I should blog more so I can remember more events and sort out more of my thoughts. So much has happened in the last year... but it's what hasn't changed that has caused the problems I'm facing now. (Ok, that's it, I'm going downstairs. I may as well enjoy the computer Butch gave me for Christmas.) From falling in love, being pretty sure this was love, and now feeling completely lost without him.

I would like to think that after being with Butch over a year and a half him and I would know how the other thinks or feels, but New Year's Eve brought up a lot of things that we had left unsaid throughout the past months. Yes, New Year's Eve. Heartbreaking. I'm not sure how I feel about New Year's Eve from here on out.

Something was definitely bothering him; he was less patient with the other drivers on the roads and he was deliberately keeping away from any signs of affection -- or at least that is how I construed it. Fears of him leaving had me tearing up at night grieving over a relationship that wasn't officially over. Which was stupid; I wanted to talk about it so I would know for sure rather than conjuring up worse and worse scenarios in my mind. But asking him to open up just seemed to make him even more testy. I thought of Latina and her ex-husband and wondered if I was pushing too hard for communication; that I was just making the matter worse. But I did not want to be without him on New Year's and he had no interest in going out...so I made the fretful drive over to his place and we sat in eerie formality for a good part of the evening. As time wore on, though things were clearly not getting any better, I lost my resolve to talk things through. I really did not want to spoil New Year though clearly it wouldn't be an evening I would fondly reminisce upon anyway. Maybe we could discuss concerns the next day or sometime in the beginning of 2014? But then he made himself a cup of coffee and sat across from me and began the painful discussion.

(Note: It's now the 15th of January and I think I started this post on the 9th...clearly I have been putting off finishing this post. It's just really painful to revisit all the time. Since then we have exchanged a few messages -- he is willing to meet earlier than the 1st if I've done everything I have to do. Of course I haven't...)

The big issue as I see it is I get too comfortable in status quo. Whether the status be good or bad I pretty much just roll with it. He doesn't deserve that. We had a discussion about seeing each other more often earlier in the year and back then I had tried to change and make things better. After a bit of time I just end up falling into the same patterns out of comfort. So here we are 15 months in and we have not moved forward. I wish he had said something earlier...snapped me out of my comfort zone again...but I should have recognized it myself and not rely on someone else to tell me how to fix things. That being said, I still wish he had said something earlier so that instead of letting it build up into this massive issue I could have made small checks and corrections along the way. Would that have worked better? I don't know.

When I met him I thought it was fantastic that he had such a big family. Surely he would understand the whole family dynamic. Little did I realize my family ties are a huger hurdle than the norm. After he called a break -- which is what I am in right now; a month to sort out things I need to figure out so that we can move forward. (Can't take credit for the whole moving forward phrase; that was how he put the whole situation New Year's Eve) -- I started taking a look at my own behavior and issues. Talking with my mom the past couple of weeks made me realize that, while they are not happy with how I run things since they are quite traditional, I have put up a lot of conditions and barriers for me and Butch that were actually self-imposed. They were not the ones who imposed a curfew on a 30-something, I did that to myself to spare myself the disappointment I figured would be there. And Grandma! How I tiptoe around grandma lest she gossip to the whole social circle what shenanigans I am up to. No good granddaughter. Moral of the story: my parents will be there should anything brutal happen -- but I have to take steps towards my own happiness instead of trying to appease everyone else.

He asked me how I saw us moving forward. And in a whole girly mess I admitted that of course I've imagined us married and having kids...and my concern on whether I would be able to raise the children Catholic. Another lesson learned: by trying not to appear like a stereotypical chick I avoided any "future" and "couplehood" talk because I did not want him to think I was clingy. As he pointed out, this just meant that I was not being honest with anyone about my feelings, even myself. Touche. But even though it felt good to admit my hopes for the future it just hurt even more. Why discuss something that felt impossible after the discussion we were having?

I confessed about my financial situation -- something I see as another barrier (though I would say it is a lot more tangible than self-imposed) to us living together and building a future. After seeing how much he cares for his family, which I love about him, I just don't want to be another burden on him. It's not fair to him. I brought up how I had been hoping my continuing education program was my key to greater financial stability through a better paying career....but that I was stuck in a rut. I need a full time job to pay my bills and debts which in turn leaves me without any money or time to continue with the program. When I started I thought 5 years was plenty of time to complete the program, but now I'm running up to a closed door. This is a big issue that I have to resolve during this break. I wish I had the means to just stop work for a couple semesters and plow through these courses to get them done, but money is so needed. Due to my situation I am really debt-shy...but at this point I think my only option is to get a student loan so that the courses I have already taken will not have been in vain. However putting myself into greater debt makes me feel like it will be that much longer until I can be a financially strong contributor to my unborn family or, first things first, my future home.

Him calling a break was, thus far, the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced. Is this just his way of easing me into a full-on break...is that his plan for moving forward? I love him so much and unfortunately I am feeling less and less confident that this will all end with us back together. Which is part of the reason why I shied away from ending the break early when he said he did not have to wait until next month to talk again. What if I do not like what he has to say? That and I have not sorted all my issues out yet, but the fear of what is going to happen is my big reason for hiding away for a little longer. I would love nothing more than to be with him again all blissful and content, but there is no guarantee of that.

Scaaaaaary times. I hope hope hope he is willing to put up with me as I try to sort my life out. And as painful as this break is; I can recognize why he put me through it. If I was still in constant contact with him I would just get all comfortable again. Most likely nothing would change, and in the spare time that I am away from him it would just be short enough that I would never get around to starting what I have to do to help myself grow. He is showing me what is worth working for. In a harsh light it would seem that I have taken for granted someone who means so so much to me, and they deserve better. I need to stop being a princess, grow up, stop caring so much about what others think and be honest with myself - about myself - and fight and work for what I want.

Tokidoki by Simone Legno

Saturday, January 04, 2014

"Hello. Is it me you're looking for?"

My poor poor poor blog. Almost a year since my last post! And yet I have had so much happen...ridiculous. Hopefully I will discipline myself to write more to preserve my memories and sanity.

11

Tokidoki by Simone Legno

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Boomerang

My neck and shoulder have been so sore as of late; it's been driving me nuts. I blamed it on an uncomfortable sleep but it doesn't seem to be letting up very much. And then one night while I was trying to give myself a neck rub I noticed that some of the stiffness felt much too firm. It being on my right side, where all the cancer drama happened over 10 years ago, of course makes me feel a little nervous. One night Butch was trying to help work the knot out and he even admitted it felt like more than a knot. This meant a lot more to me since I didn't even tell him what I was already thinking about it all. Good thing my annual followup with Dr. H is coming up next month. I also have my annual physical scheduled with Dr. T a couple of weeks prior. Between the two of them I hope this thing comes out as just a big superknot. Or if it worked itself out before next month I'd probably feel a lot more comfortable, but to be on the safe side I'd rather they had the opportunity to look it over for their opinion.

In somewhat related news I think my obsessive need to keep that ear clean (my quarterly visits with Dr. M are just not often enough for my liking) has bunged it up again. My hearing on that side is really stuffed up. I feel kind of geriatric, hehe. At the moment I have a "good ear" so if you want me to hear what you're saying you better be on my left side. :P Again I hope it works itself out, and swiftly, too. Sleeping on my left side (on my good ear) makes it difficult to hear my alarm clock in the morning. Not only that but in the silence the constant hum of the bad ear is ridiculous. Perhaps I should take a page from infant childcare and put my right hand in a mitten so I cannot do an impromptu clean on that ear. Ugh.

And for some happier news...things with Butch are going wonderfully, I think. I'm overthinking things less now when I say "I love you," mostly cuz he says it just as freely. Last night we attended Weird Kid's 30th birthday dinner -- can you believe he's 30 now? Oy vey. -- and today we went to the MOCA with SANDy and her friends to check out the Warhol athlete exhibit. I'm crazy about Butch, if that was not already clear. He is incredibly sweet and it's becoming easier and easier to accept that rather than be all skeptical about it all the time. Next month on it'll be 6 months on the 3rd. Even better than that will be Valentine's Day! For once I will have a Valentine on my favorite day of the year. I've always loved Valentine's Day, can you imagine how much sweeter it will be this year?! Love love love love love! (Told you it's getting easier to say.)

Tokidoki by Simone Legno

Sunday, January 06, 2013

"All this aggravation and satisfaction in me..."

He told me he loved me!

And all week long I thought whenever he got around to saying it, if he ever got around to saying it, I'd be a blubbering mess. But maybe the overwhelming feeling was just me. 'cuz when he said it I thought I kept it pretty cool. I felt like grinning like a moron while we were kissing but my eyes weren't leaking (as baby sis likes to put it). Maybe I had rehashed it in my head so much over the week that I had already reconciled whatever happens and squared it away in my little head. Que sera sera.

Though I'm pretty sure that's not it. You would think I would be happy, and was. I was thrilled to hear him say it. But at the same time I went back into Leah-mode. I couldn't just enjoy hearing the words. I worried that maybe he was just saying it to make me happy. That my little waterworks from a few days back made him feel pressured to keep me content. Argh. Even when I headed home I said "I love you" before I got into my car...but now I'm too scared to say it often, fearing that it'll just make it mean even less and less. When just a few days ago I wanted to say it over and over!

What IS this? And why am I feeling like such a rookie about it all. Oh, that's right. I've never actually done this before. *sigh*

Tokidoki by Simone Legno