Doctor, doctor, gimme the news. I've got a bad case of loooooving you

Had my lil appointment/conference with my ear/nose/throat doc this morning to go over the results of the MRI I had done a couple of weeks ago. Everything looks clear *small sigh of relief* but I know that doesn't mean a whole lot. I mean, it could be 10-20 years before anything new develops, he tells me.

However, he was thrilled to see that my smile is back in top form, and that my eyes are blinking "100%." I am super glad for that, too. It was kind of depressing that first month after the surgery when my smile was all pathetic and lopsided. That whole spiel about "permanent nerve damage" had me pretty bummed. Didn't want to smile. Then again, there wasn't much to smile about at that point.

I can't believe it's almost been a whole year since this crazy roller coaster began. Ultrasound, then fine needle biopsy (by the father of one of my elementary school friends, no less), fine needle biopsy again, and then MRI.

Hm, I remember that MRI, I went bowling with all my friends afterwards. Or rather, they all went bowling and I just tagged along for the company and entertainment. I had no suspicions at all that anything was wrong with me, so I didn't tell anybody about my day. Well, except for Sunny, 'cuz she's just medically inclined like that.

Then the MRI came back and it was decided that I'd go through surgery and have the lump removed. Even then, didn't think nothing of it, and didn't tell many people about it.

Surgery time came, and that one I intentionally kept hush hush. Apart from Mijo and Sunny (my medical gurus) and the usual suspects noone else in my circle of friends knew. You can't avoid the usual suspects for more than a few days before they realize something is amiss. Daisy, sweetheart that she is, came to visit me at the hospital. I was embarassed, I didn't want her to see me in the state I was in. But perhaps I was trying to be too tough 'cuz it meant a lot that she stopped by. Still thought everything was alright. Lump gone=nothing wrong.

Then I had a consultation with the doc about the results of my biopsy. Boom, cancer. And not just any cancer, a rare cancer that they knew little about. As per my standard secretive procedure, Mijo was the first one I told, followed by Sunny. After telling those two, I shut up about it for about a week. Other than them, the only ones who knew were my parents. Didn't tell my grandma, 'cuz she's kinda gossipy. No point worrying baby sis about me. Finally told my brother after my appointment at the cancer centre. And then when Posie called to wish me a Happy Birthday, I told her then. Horrible timing, I know, but I couldn't figure out when would actually be a good time to tell her. My mom told me later that Posie ended up crying after we got off the phone. I was so frustrated. She had her whole pregnancy to think about, it was not my intention to concern more with my whole situation.

I knew my friends would have to know. A slew of us had dinner at Don Quixote's (yum) and I had every intention of telling them then...but we were having so much fun I didn't want to spoil it. So yet again it was left unsaid.

Then we had an evening at my house for the friends who couldn't make it to the dinner. Yet again, I couldn't tell them. Actually, I ended up blurting it out when some of them were preparing to call it a night. I mean, is there ever a good time to tell people these things?

After that, I got fed up. I was tired of having to announce my condition. So now I just let it slide. When I run into old friends and they ask what's up, I just act like everything's fine. I mean, what do you say?

"Well, actually, since the last time we saw each other, I've since been diagnosed with cancer, had a parotidectomy, and went through 6 weeks of radiation. But enough about me, how's your life going?"

There are still so many people I haven't told. I figure they'll all find out at my funeral anyways. Some may be upset that I never told them, but I wouldn't have wanted them to treat me special or make an extra effort to make plans with me 'cuz they think I'm "fading away."

Bah, way to go, Leah. Make a happy good-news post into a depressing flashback.