Perception is 100% of a person's reality

When does one cross the line between self-confidence and vanity?

Kindergarten up until third grade I thought my class was one big happy group. Nobody had any higher status compared to anyone in the class, we were all equals. We all played together at recess, noone got teased, there was no jealousy between classmates. It was harmony at its best.

Enter fourth grade and a new school (my parents were having difficulty following what I was being taught in french immersion) and it was clear from the start that there were the "popular" kids and the unfortunate "dweebs" of the bunch. Somehow I just floated around in the middle. Noone ever picked on me. I was good friends with some of the girls in the "in-crowd" but still content just doing my own thing with my not-so-popular friends.

I had a bit of a minor crisis at the end of sixth grade when the most popular guy in our class decided to pare down his guest list for the annual pool party at his house. I got "cut." If it weren't for some protest from my "cool" friends he would have never reconsidered. I felt like ditching the party. I didn't want to go anywhere where I knew I wasn't completely wanted. Of course, my friends convinced me to come with them. To this day, I wish I had skipped out. It would have felt a lot better to me. Instead, I had gotten swept up in my friends' mentality that this party was THE party to be at.

In junior high, one of the "cool" guys signed my yearbook commenting that I "don't think (he's) too, too, too cool for (me)" even though I was "totally in a different group." I'd always been friends with this guy, and I wasn't sure what he meant by his comments. To this day I can't tell, even though I've read it over hundreds of times, whether he meant it as a subtle cuss (that I should've recognized his superiority over me and worshipped him thusly) or a comment giving me some recognition and respect for being so casual about the whole popularity game.

They say junior high is the harshest handful of years a kid will ever go through. I absolutely believe it. I was a total bitch to some people. Socially, I was once again in the middle. Friends with all the popular kids, friends with (most of) the not-so-popular kids, but still not full-blown popular nor was I considered nerdy/geeky. You wouldn't believe how lucky I was that noone ever harassed me or picked on me. Somedays when I think of how I treated those few unlucky people, I wish that someone would have treated me in the same manner so I would have wised up about my behavior. But noone ever did and somehow I was still considered a little angel; friend to all.

High school and university came and went and I don't think my self-image has changed much. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I'd like to think that I'm far from being the ugliest. To be honest, though when I look back at old yearbook pictures it's a completely different story, whatever moment I'm in I like what I see when I face myself in the mirror...for the most part. But everyone has their miserable "fat" days where they just want to pick apart their whole body. (Substitute fat with whatever feature makes one self-conscious)

Yes, in general I like what I see. Hell, most days I love what I see. (Right now we're in a downward turn, but I digress.) Call me delusional if you must but I've always liked thinking that a lot of the guys I've liked in the past may have liked me back. If I had given them any sort of signal I would have snagged them then and there. And when I'm at the clubs I hold my head up high 'cuz I know that even though I'm not the skinniest or best-looking one in there, I'm still fair competition. And if I don't get any attention that evening, well obviously those guys had no clue what they were missing.

I've always considered this just my healthy self-esteem. Lately I've been thinking that perhaps it leans more towards arrogance than confidence. I mean, what if I'm thinking way too highly of myself? How can I measure that? You know that lame old saying "she thinks she's all that?" What if people are saying that about me?

And I've just realized that completely negates my whole "I have a healthy self-esteem" argument. Still don't know what I am, though. Am I a confidence-questioning wimp or a conceited little brat?