Just take a deep breath and jump

Not a lot of people know this. It's probably due to my fear of being judged by it. Some will find it lame, pathetic. Yeah, I know it probably is but I've gotten so many different reactions to it that I've just learned to shut up about it. Now everyone will know.

I'm not trying to be Meesh and write erotica. And I'm not trying to be someone else who shared her adventures to convince herself and everyone else that she was/is desirable. I don't think desire even played any part in my stupid little escapades. It was just something to do. But anyways, it's clear there are lots of people who have a bit of exhibitionist in them. Or at least, I hope there are a lot of people.

First time it happened, I was in Toronto and 21. My cousin, 5 years my senior, promised to take me clubbing. Finally! She wasn't going to treat me like a little kid and be insanely annoying and overprotective. I mean, I could be responsible...this time maybe I blew it.

It was going to be a fun night, just me and my cousin. Her boyfriend dropped us off at the bar and I had kissed my goddaughter goodnight. They'd probably both be asleep by the time we came back. Seeing as my cousin was in a seriously committed relationship I knew there wouldn't be anything to worry about tonight. She used to be crazy-wild when she was younger. It used to intimidate me as a kid.

Instead of taking me to a trendy club, though, she took me to one of her favorite bar hangouts. I was clearly the youngest one there. There was a live band playing old songs that were so obscure I didn't even recognize them. Old Cuban men my father's age were asking me for a dance. Mind you they were harmless, but it was definitely a scenario I wasn't accustomed to.

We came across two guys she knows from hanging out there. They were close to her age so it wasn't too awkward. But somehow, even though she was "treating me like a grown-up," just being with them made me feel like a little kid. You've got to understand, sure 5 years isn't a huge age difference, but to me for some reason or another it felt vast. They sang along to the songs the band played, and all I could do was sit there clueless because I didn't know the words. I tried my best to fit in when I could.

The guy who sat with me was especially nice to me. Turns out he was from Alberta, or he used to be. I couldn't understand what he was saying over the loud music. He did show me his Alberta Health Care card, as if I needed proof of what he had just said. It said his name was John something-or-other. That was good to know since, again, the music was so loud that I didn't quite catch his name and I couldn't be bothered to ask him to repeat it. He was pretty good looking. Tall, dark chocolate skin, great smile. Didn't care much for his voice which is a shame since I am all about sexy voices. It was probably a good thing I couldn't make out what he was saying most of the night.

She would go off and dance with the other guy from time to time. He seemed to really like her but he already knew that he wouldn't get very far. It doesn't matter that her boyfriend wasn't there that night. She set the groundrules early on. I should have followed her lead.

The more time she and the other guy spent away from our table the more John pushed the boundaries with me. He was a boring kisser and his stubble was scratching my face. I hate stubble. It felt worse against my neck when he would nibble me. Maybe I rolled my eyes sometime that night, I don't know. Eye rolling would have been appropriate.

Everytime my cousin came back to check up on me we'd stop and straighten up. She's not stupid though, and our table wasn't far from the dance floor. "Why aren't you freaking out?" I asked her telepathically. No reply. I guess she really was going to treat me like an adult this time.

John was doing nothing for me, and that's pretty sad considering he should probably have at least few years of "experience" ahead of me. He probably thought I was frigid since I wasn't doing much in response to his advances. Consider me "uninspired."

But he knew he had gotten somewhere when his hand quit stroking my thigh and slid up my dress. He tugged on my panties (Lil Miss Naughty. Ironic? Whatever.) and coaxed his finger inside me. The smile on his face proved he knew that I couldn't be indifferent much longer.

My cousin and the other guy came back and once again we straightened out. Another black guy came up to our table, he must have been John's friend. I tried to be polite and listen to what my cousin was saying but I became aware of John's friend looking me over as they talked. "What are you saying about me?" I wondered.

His friend left and John loudly declared "I want this" and kissed me right in front of my cousin. There was no mistaking what he had said. "This??? I'm not even a girl, I'm an object now." I felt humiliated in front of my cousin. Was she going to freak out now?

She excused us from the guys because she "hadn't danced with (me) enough tonight."

"Is John bothering you?"

"No, I'm alright."

"Just tell us if he gets to be too much, ok?"

"Alright, but it's fine. Don't worry."

I wondered what she would consider to be "too much."

So it went on, everytime she left us (Was she dancing for longer periods of time or was it just me?) he'd carry on with "this." Mercifully he quit scratching me with that face of his and focused on the task at hand. (No pun intended.) He took my hand and gently placed it on his crotch, smiling. I just left it there. Was it selfish of me not to oblige him and return the favor? I'm sure it was. But in my mind he started it, I hadn't asked for it, I could have carried on fine without it, and so I didn't owe him a thing. He didn't push the matter. And of course, everytime they came back we behaved like nothing was going on.

That is, until the last time they came back and I was practically there and he knew it. He carried on the goings-ons under the table as I sat across from my cousin trying not to squirm, trying to act casual. But then it started to hit. I kicked away from the table hoping it would separate me from his hand but he persisted. Mortified I tried my best to keep a straight face in front of my cousin but the look on her own made it clear that she was catching on. I didn't even look at her friend next to her, though he probably figured it out, too. And so it happened. Oh. My. God. I had just "come" (trying to avoid the Google hits, here) here in the bar and my cousin had watched it happen.

My cousin, furious, stood up and excused us both again. Without looking back I followed her out of the bar. While we waited for a cab she totally let me have it. What was I thinking? I didn't even know the guy! My parents would kill her if they knew what she had "let (me) get away with." Didn't I realize what he was up to? Didn't I know what he was expecting now that the night was over? How could I do this?

The guys caught up to us. The one guy wanting my cousin to stay a little while longer (I guess he figured the "groundrules" she had set didn't really apply to him.) John was asking why I was leaving so early.

"I'm staying at her place...I wouldn't know where to go in this city if I split up from her now." Not to mention that I had had enough of our little game.

Upon seeing us together again, and as the cab pulled up beside me, she ushered me into the cab and stood in the doorway between me and John while she had a quiet chat with him. My ears were definitely ringing by now due to the loudness of the evening so I couldn't make out her words, but her tone was cold and eerily calm. Being intimidated by her crazy-wildness in her youth was nothing compared to how scary she sounded as she kept John away. I sighed, realizing she would always be overprotective of me now after what I had just done.

She said nothing more to me, but I figured it would blow over by the next morning. As she opened the door to her apartment I quietly grabbed my overnight bag and washed up for bed. As I set up my spot on the couch I could hear her recounting the evening out on the balcony. Great, now her boyfriend was in on it, too.

I heard him say "You know, she's 21 years old. I don't think she's as innocent as you wish she would be. I mean, think about it." Ohhhh, he had NO idea! I faked sleeping as they crept inside. I couldn't face another lecture.

Good morning to me. Did I realize that there were empty apartments above all the bars down that block? If the guy had been really persistent I could have been in really big shit. If that guy had tried so much as to put his hand on (the boyfriend's mom's) knee she would have immediately taken it off her leg and back onto guy's leg. And that is EXACTLY what I should have done. How is little A (my goddaughter) supposed to learn from the example I'm setting?

In all honesty, and maybe I'm all wrong about it, but I didn't think I did THAT bad of a thing. Ok, fine, it was in public with an absolute stranger. But it could have been a lot worse. A LOT worse. And yeah, I'm just trying to justify everything away.

To make me contemplate my actions further I came home and went to the clinic to have them check on a swollen bump on my jaw. Their diagnosis? Parotitis, an infection of a salivary gland. Juuuuust great. The first time I try and have a little fun and I get dinged for it.

Even worse, the swelling never really went away and I never went back to the clinic for a second opinion. More than two years later I get the lump checked out in earnest. Tumor. Yup, it was my ACC tumor. Of course it's not related to kissing John at all, but it's befitting that he would lead me on to that discovery.

I'll talk about the second incident another time. Whew.