Change of plans

"No, Tony, you can't fuck the future. The future fucks you. The future catches up with you and it fucks you if you ain't planned for it."

It's crazy how much my mom sees and knows about us her children

Last week I was out having coffee with her and my dad at our neighborhood Tim Horton's. (Our neighborhood Tim Horton's! How I love it so!) All of a sudden she says to me:

"You know, I've been watching you, and it's as if you have no drive to go out and find a better job for yourself because of your sickness. But you're okay now, you can go out and do it."

Whoa.

We didn't dig into it deeper, but how did she know? How did she read my mind like that? My mother...I love her. I told noone about those thoughts running through my head, but I'm going to lay it all down now. She's right, of course. I'm okay so I should go out and do something better with my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed and even after my treatments, with no signs of being "in danger" anymore, I had taken a "live for the moment" kind of attitude towards my life...but I lived for the moment a little too much with no consideration for the future.

"Aw, fuck the future!" (By the way, all these "fuck the future" quotes are from my favorite movie of all time, Saturday Night Fever. I feel very much like Tony these days. "I'm bored...I'm bored with it already.") I didn't believe in saving my money for long term goals like a loft (I really want a loft), 'cuz really what was I saving it for? "You can't take it with you." Whatever money I had, it was going to go towards travelling and just things I wanted in general. I wouldn't have anything concrete to show for my travels, but they would be nice memories I could collect along the way, however long that way may be. I didn't believe in even collecting furniture and electronics to be ready to move out of the house someday, 'cuz in the most pessimistic part of my mind I figured I'd never reach that point in my life where I go off and have my own place. (But looking back before any of this ever happened, I am so grateful I never moved out before I was diagnosed. I mean, I would have moved back in with my family for sure 'cuz there's no way I would've gone through all that on my own or even with my closest of friends. Family. It's so important.)

And then I got laid off from my travel counselling job. That just cut me down even more. Now I was earning even less money, and it threw a serious kink in any plans I had to travel (for less). I figured it wouldn't take me long to find another job, but I was turned off of finding a new spot with a travel agency 'cuz I didn't want to deal with the hurt of being laid off again. I couldn't stand being seen in asset/liability terms. I know it's just business, and in true management logic it made perfect sense. Clearly I would never be tough enough for a job in Human Resources.

But what do I want to do now? Again the "live for the moment" part of me prevailed. I didn't want to "get my foot" into any career where I could climb some sort of corporate ladder. Who knew how much time I'd actually have to further any career I could start anyway?

My retail job has given me enough money to go on buying the trivial things I want so there went my motivation to find something with better pay. Thus, I got "comfortable" and stuck in my own little rut.

Now, however, I can finally say I'm ready for more. The girls and I are going on a road trip this summer, and I'm saving towards that...but there's so much more I want to do.

Mijo invited me to Miami for spring break...but I don't want to travel anywhere on a big scale until I've paid off my student loan. So for all intents and purposes I can't afford Miami.

Forget Miami, I can't even afford Los Angeles just to visit.

I'd really like to get my Puerto Rico ON.

I want to have my own taste of the Big Apple.

I want to whirl like a Dervish in Turkey...be all "Casablanca" in Morocco.

But what do I want to do as a job? It'd be so nice to be back downtown with all my lunchtime buddies, the Garden, the Plaza, the Market. Ah yes.

"The time for hesitation is through." <-- not from Saturday Night Fever, obviously.