Roll with it

Joe thinks I need a change of scene. Away from here, 'cuz obviously my beautiful Calgary life isn't so beautiful these days.

I just want a vacation. Leaving here permanently...I don't think I could ever do that. Just give me some time to step back, take a look at my Calgary situation through a different mindset, different angle...then I'll be ready to get back into the swing of things here.

I thought I was a strong girl, a tough girl. Boy was I wrong. Daisy called from overseas a couple of days ago...and it was so nice to hear her voice and to have someone to spill all my worries to that I ended up crying on the phone just before the operator disconnected us...she was out of coin for the phonebooth.

That made me feel bad, and she swiftly sent me an email (more money spent on communicating with me when she should be out sightseeing!) full of concern and worry. Last thing I wanted was to stress her out with my troubles when she's in her final days of her trip. Oops.

Don't get me wrong, I have people here I can tell my worries to. I just don't want to get them involved. Especially my parents. I don't want them to worry about me. I know I'll get over it.

Unfortunately, all the friends I've told have become annoyed/miffed with the other parties involved. It was not my intention to have them pick sides. While it's nice to have their sympathies, it's uncomfortable being the cause of the awkwardness that'll inevitably ensue between friends. They say friends "don't do that." But I can't say that, if the roles had been reversed, that I would have been the better person and walked away, either. So I don't blame anyone for what has happened. As one of them has put it, perhaps it's "destiny."

What I can do, as Ang and Joe have suggested, is do what's best for me given the situation from now on. "Look out for Leah." That's ironic, since I've always considered myself a fairly selfish and indulgent person...but I guess when friends are concerned I turn into some kind of submissive pushover. Not that this situation calls for any "fighting back" of any sort, but I've learned my lesson.

Dance like nobody's watching and love like you'll never get hurt. I always wanted to make this my motto. Now I really need to learn how to live it. Take some chances, or else I truly will always be on the losing side.

God, I hate showing this side of me. Gone is the image of a strong-spirited Leah. She's been broken. Well, since we're on this kick with confessions and being honest, I break just as much as those around me. I just don't like leaning on others. Too much pride.

Not that I'm saying that you actually believed I was unbreakable.