Out of control

Last week was my annual checkup at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. Or rather, I guess I should specify that it was my fifth annual checkup. My five year anniversary, my supposed start date to buckle down, live my life, and move on as if I am just any other healthy girl on this planet.

I didn't get to see my normal oncologist, which I thought was weird. Once a year and he can't even see me? Instead I got a guy in residence and the doctor he's been shadowing (is that right? I don't know how it really goes). I realize that every budding doctor has to start somewhere, but why with me? He doesn't know my history, other than what's written on my charts. Making the best of it he told me what my results were telling him, and I told him what had been bothering me as of late. Chest x-ray came out clear, MRI was a-ok. But THEN they decided to see me again next year. I don't know about them, but I thought this was my final checkup. After thinking about it, I didn't really fight it. One morning a year to make sure I'm cancer-free is well worth the time. I'd see them once a year for the rest of my life if it meant keeping me healthy. Mind you, seeing them once a year also means I never get to fully ignore the big C word...but let's face it, I don't want to bury my head in the sand and get sick once again.

Unfortunately, and I remember this clearly 'cuz of the events happening at the time, on the day of the Halloween Club Crawl last year (October 28) my right eye would not open as wide as my left eye. It looked like I was in permanent wink-mode. I chalked it up to my mascara or the like irritating my eye, although it was taking forever to clear out...or maybe it was the start of an infection? Unfortunately, I did not have any time to get it checked out before my trip to the Dominican. Hope of all hopes: it would clear up and deal itself out of my system. Well, halfway through my week it was pretty clear things weren't getting much better. My eye would always open wider as the day progressed but first thing in the morning it was still in perma-wink. I texted my brother to ask my mom to set up an appointment with my GP for when I got back home...it wasn't such a dire emergency that I wanted to waste my time in paradise in a foreign doctor's clinic. (But I did let my imagination run a little wild. Did I suffer from a tiny stroke and that's why that eye was acting up? Were my muscles and nerves breaking down due to my radiation therapy from the past? What was going on??)

My mom one-upped me and instead of my GP she set up an appointment with my opthalmologist. I have not seen him in years since he decided that they would not do "normal eye exams" any longer. He took a look at it and decided that it was an infection that was already on its way out (of course my eye was opening somewhat better than most days that day).

Really, I thought he was right, my eye didn't seem to be so closed in the mornings any longer and it bounced back a lot quicker during the day. It still wasn't 100%, but it would get there.

Fast forward to my appointment at the Tom Baker. My eye still wasn't perfect so I thought I'd bounce my little theory about my muscles/nerves getting all tired on my right side and that's why it would not open as wide as my left eye. Mr Resident did a few rudimentary tests; my eye, and the muscles controlling its movement, were fine in his opinion. However, he and his doctor buddy figured that my eyelid was definitely puffier than my "healthy" one and that I should go see my opthalmologist again to sort out the puffy eyelid (infection?) and Mr Resident saw the beginnings of a cataract going on. Maybe the cataract was a side effect from the radiation.

Cataract? Was that not an issue for old people? No, I shouldn't be so age-ist.

However, my mom felt the same way. "But you're so young still!"

Fine, so I was developing a cataract. I've seen my grandma and others in our family circle deal with them, I knew the procedure. At least this issue was easily remedied and after that I'd be good as new.

Fast forward a few days more to today. I went back to my opthalmologist to have him look it over. It's NOT a cataract. (Or so he says. Mom is skeptical and wants me to get a second opinion.) My corneal scarring from my childhood was getting denser, and that was why my vision was getting worse. But to be honest, I have become so dependent on my left eye, I did not even realize my right eye's vision had been getting so bad!

Oh, and my eye not opening as much? I guess the brain works to "protect" the eye, and it is keeping my right eye more closed so that less light enters in since its vision is more light-sensitive right now.

"See me in six months." No breakdown as to how we were going to deal with this problem. Nothing.

To be honest, I would have been a lot happier with a cataract. At least I know how that can be fixed. I was really hoping to get a car real soon. If my eyesight is getting worse, how can I confidently get around in my cute car?

On a less trivial note, I'm again feeling sort of helpless. I'm a girl of science. Have cancer? Nuke it with some radiation = all better. Have a cataract? Fix it with a little bit of surgery...again, all better. But when you don't give me a clear solution to my issues I feel pretty lost. Not only that, but you would think that the one person I should be able to rely on in this world is myself. How can I do that if my own body is working against me?

I am so thankful that I still have such a close and loving family. Not to mention my friends, though I try to burden them even less than my family. It's not very often that I'll admit that I am frustrated.