Lose Yourself

I have found myself in a deep and sad little funk as of late...and who knew it would be weight-related?! At my heaviest I didn't care about my size. I was happy, I loved clothes, I had fun and really did not see anything wrong with me.

But since I "crossed over" I realized the thinner world was such a delicate place to be; I would almost say it lowered my self-esteem. The old Leah went on dates and enjoyed herself. Now she goes on fewer dates and worries that she looks awfully big compared to other girls these guys must have dated. And then she starts to wonder why they are even willing to go out with her.

Was I a freak? Achieving a better body is supposed to build confidence, not shatter it. I thought I was awesome back in the day so what happened?!

So then I figured there must be a happy medium. I all but gave up following my diet. It brought a little bit of joy back but not the right kind. As you will recall I was in a very toxic work situation so I tried to scramble about and find happiness where I could. Happiness ended up being a lot of the carby goodness I restricted myself before, so you can see how that would end up. Like I said: it was not the right kind of joy. Now I am in a happier work environment and to top it off all my colleagues are in successful weight-loss mode. This should be good, right? It would be excellent....if only I could kick my butt back into the groove. Instead, I just get more and more bummed out as my pants start to get tighter. I do not feel sexy at all. To the point where I don't even want any guys to see me at the moment. I see all these awesome clothes that I want that I could have bought back when I was smaller only to feel more despair when I realize it does not fit at the moment so why bother shopping?! Man, even shopping therapy won't help right now!

I keep saying to myself "just one more fry and then I'll get back on track" or "I don't have time for the gym now, maybe next week." I'm not sure where I found the motivation before but I have to get it back.