When the door shuts, it's like another papercut

I was heaving a whole stack of catalogs onto a rack this afternoon when one of the thick covers gave me a nasty papercut. Lovely.

Can't tell you why this always stuck with me but one class in high school, I couldn't tell you which subject, the teacher spent a whole lesson on suffering. A papercut was an example of senseless suffering. There is no purpose or lesson to be learned from the pain it causes. It just hurts. Nothing you can do about it. Pretty much no remedy for it. Just let it sting and irritate you as long as it will. Boy, do those buggers really get to you.

So then it made me think about my current situation, if you can call it that. Not that it just popped into my head. It had been marinating in my head for many a day now. It's all about a boy.

As far as I can see Aidan has cut me off yet again. No hints. No warning. I have gone from some form of daily acknowledgment to deep cold NADA.

But this should be a papercut, right? We were never in a "relationship" or anything defined as such. He didn't owe me anything. So why does it sting? Oh, I don't know, probably because it is happening again. A-gain. It sure makes me look foolish.

And then the girl in me starts piping up with all the girly logic and girly excuses. "You know, maybe this is all a massive misunderstanding and he's on the other end wondering why you've stopped talking to him." Those kind of thoughts. I could call, but the thought of the phone just ringing or going straight to voicemail just gets me twisted even more. There is nothing you can do to make someone else acknowledge you. Nothing. They can ignore. Block. Hide. Pretty much just fall off your grid completely. And if you do make an effort to try and find them, see them face to face, well all of a sudden you're a creepster.

"My brain's all broken but I'm feeling alright. I feel like I'm choking but I'm feeling alright. I'm going down fast but I'm feeling alright. I'm not gonna last but I'm feeling. All. Right."

All I feel like doing is bracing myself for history to repeat itself and go through the complete cut-off once again. In keeping with the creepster/creeper thoughts I've been checking on his social media page to see if I'm still his "friend." Yeah, I'm still there...for now. But honestly, what am I supposed to do when I'm officially unfriended? Perhaps I should be pro-active and be the first to cut ties, but again, what's the point? Let him do all the work. If I don't know the situation then I can milk the innocent card in this matter.

How lovely it was when I thought this time would be so much different.