Bellini-induced Brain Freeze

My neck and shoulder have been so sore as of late; it's been driving me nuts. I blamed it on an uncomfortable sleep but it doesn't seem to be letting up very much. And then one night while I was trying to give myself a neck rub I noticed that some of the stiffness felt much too firm. It being on my right side, where all the cancer drama happened over 10 years ago, of course makes me feel a little nervous. One night Butch was trying to help work the knot out and he even admitted it felt like more than a knot. This meant a lot more to me since I didn't even tell him what I was already thinking about it all. Good thing my annual followup with Dr. H is coming up next month. I also have my annual physical scheduled with Dr. T a couple of weeks prior. Between the two of them I hope this thing comes out as just a big superknot. Or if it worked itself out before next month I'd probably feel a lot more comfortable, but to be on the safe side I'd rather they had the op...

He told me he loved me! And all week long I thought whenever he got around to saying it, if he ever got around to saying it, I'd be a blubbering mess. But maybe the overwhelming feeling was just me. 'cuz when he said it I thought I kept it pretty cool. I felt like grinning like a moron while we were kissing but my eyes weren't leaking (as baby sis likes to put it). Maybe I had rehashed it in my head so much over the week that I had already reconciled whatever happens and squared it away in my little head. Que sera sera. Though I'm pretty sure that's not it. You would think I would be happy, and was . I was thrilled to hear him say it. But at the same time I went back into Leah-mode. I couldn't just enjoy hearing the words. I worried that maybe he was just saying it to make me happy. That my little waterworks from a few days back made him feel pressured to keep me content. Argh. Even when I headed home I said "I love you" before I got into my car...but ...

The Christmas holidays were fantastic! At least I thought they were. He invited me to his family stuff, I invited him to my family stuff. Family stuff abounded. We got to enjoy the New Year together. I was blissfully happy. I am blissfully happy. And today marks 5 months! It's not an epic milestone, to be sure, but I like it because it's my milestone. New Year's Day was a huge heavy day for me, too. I told him I loved him. It felt right...so I said it...but he can't say it back and embarrassingly enough I got kind of teary. I excused it away as happiness -- and you know what? It's possibly true. Though he made me rethink why I said it and I felt a little gun-shy right afterwards there was still this amaaaazing and overwhelming feeling once it was out there. It felt wonderful to say it, he may not be able to say it back, but I have never told any guy that I've loved them and with him it just feels like it's about right. Re-hashing it in my mind just reconfi...