Growing Pains
I know I should blog more so I can remember more events and sort out more of my thoughts. So much has happened in the last year... but it's what hasn't changed that has caused the problems I'm facing now. (Ok, that's it, I'm going downstairs. I may as well enjoy the computer Butch gave me for Christmas.) From falling in love, being pretty sure this was love, and now feeling completely lost without him.
I would like to think that after being with Butch over a year and a half him and I would know how the other thinks or feels, but New Year's Eve brought up a lot of things that we had left unsaid throughout the past months. Yes, New Year's Eve. Heartbreaking. I'm not sure how I feel about New Year's Eve from here on out.
Something was definitely bothering him; he was less patient with the other drivers on the roads and he was deliberately keeping away from any signs of affection -- or at least that is how I construed it. Fears of him leaving had me tearing up at night grieving over a relationship that wasn't officially over. Which was stupid; I wanted to talk about it so I would know for sure rather than conjuring up worse and worse scenarios in my mind. But asking him to open up just seemed to make him even more testy. I thought of Latina and her ex-husband and wondered if I was pushing too hard for communication; that I was just making the matter worse. But I did not want to be without him on New Year's and he had no interest in going out...so I made the fretful drive over to his place and we sat in eerie formality for a good part of the evening. As time wore on, though things were clearly not getting any better, I lost my resolve to talk things through. I really did not want to spoil New Year though clearly it wouldn't be an evening I would fondly reminisce upon anyway. Maybe we could discuss concerns the next day or sometime in the beginning of 2014? But then he made himself a cup of coffee and sat across from me and began the painful discussion.
(Note: It's now the 15th of January and I think I started this post on the 9th...clearly I have been putting off finishing this post. It's just really painful to revisit all the time. Since then we have exchanged a few messages -- he is willing to meet earlier than the 1st if I've done everything I have to do. Of course I haven't...)
The big issue as I see it is I get too comfortable in status quo. Whether the status be good or bad I pretty much just roll with it. He doesn't deserve that. We had a discussion about seeing each other more often earlier in the year and back then I had tried to change and make things better. After a bit of time I just end up falling into the same patterns out of comfort. So here we are 15 months in and we have not moved forward. I wish he had said something earlier...snapped me out of my comfort zone again...but I should have recognized it myself and not rely on someone else to tell me how to fix things. That being said, I still wish he had said something earlier so that instead of letting it build up into this massive issue I could have made small checks and corrections along the way. Would that have worked better? I don't know.
When I met him I thought it was fantastic that he had such a big family. Surely he would understand the whole family dynamic. Little did I realize my family ties are a huger hurdle than the norm. After he called a break -- which is what I am in right now; a month to sort out things I need to figure out so that we can move forward. (Can't take credit for the whole moving forward phrase; that was how he put the whole situation New Year's Eve) -- I started taking a look at my own behavior and issues. Talking with my mom the past couple of weeks made me realize that, while they are not happy with how I run things since they are quite traditional, I have put up a lot of conditions and barriers for me and Butch that were actually self-imposed. They were not the ones who imposed a curfew on a 30-something, I did that to myself to spare myself the disappointment I figured would be there. And Grandma! How I tiptoe around grandma lest she gossip to the whole social circle what shenanigans I am up to. No good granddaughter. Moral of the story: my parents will be there should anything brutal happen -- but I have to take steps towards my own happiness instead of trying to appease everyone else.
He asked me how I saw us moving forward. And in a whole girly mess I admitted that of course I've imagined us married and having kids...and my concern on whether I would be able to raise the children Catholic. Another lesson learned: by trying not to appear like a stereotypical chick I avoided any "future" and "couplehood" talk because I did not want him to think I was clingy. As he pointed out, this just meant that I was not being honest with anyone about my feelings, even myself. Touche. But even though it felt good to admit my hopes for the future it just hurt even more. Why discuss something that felt impossible after the discussion we were having?
I confessed about my financial situation -- something I see as another barrier (though I would say it is a lot more tangible than self-imposed) to us living together and building a future. After seeing how much he cares for his family, which I love about him, I just don't want to be another burden on him. It's not fair to him. I brought up how I had been hoping my continuing education program was my key to greater financial stability through a better paying career....but that I was stuck in a rut. I need a full time job to pay my bills and debts which in turn leaves me without any money or time to continue with the program. When I started I thought 5 years was plenty of time to complete the program, but now I'm running up to a closed door. This is a big issue that I have to resolve during this break. I wish I had the means to just stop work for a couple semesters and plow through these courses to get them done, but money is so needed. Due to my situation I am really debt-shy...but at this point I think my only option is to get a student loan so that the courses I have already taken will not have been in vain. However putting myself into greater debt makes me feel like it will be that much longer until I can be a financially strong contributor to my unborn family or, first things first, my future home.
Him calling a break was, thus far, the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced. Is this just his way of easing me into a full-on break...is that his plan for moving forward? I love him so much and unfortunately I am feeling less and less confident that this will all end with us back together. Which is part of the reason why I shied away from ending the break early when he said he did not have to wait until next month to talk again. What if I do not like what he has to say? That and I have not sorted all my issues out yet, but the fear of what is going to happen is my big reason for hiding away for a little longer. I would love nothing more than to be with him again all blissful and content, but there is no guarantee of that.
Scaaaaaary times. I hope hope hope he is willing to put up with me as I try to sort my life out. And as painful as this break is; I can recognize why he put me through it. If I was still in constant contact with him I would just get all comfortable again. Most likely nothing would change, and in the spare time that I am away from him it would just be short enough that I would never get around to starting what I have to do to help myself grow. He is showing me what is worth working for. In a harsh light it would seem that I have taken for granted someone who means so so much to me, and they deserve better. I need to stop being a princess, grow up, stop caring so much about what others think and be honest with myself - about myself - and fight and work for what I want.
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