I'm So Fancy

I'm not, really. That song is just stuck in my head right now.

The family and I went to Vegas for a few days during the month that I was Butch-less. It wasn't to escape -- we were celebrating a milestone birthday for mama and throwing in a little fete for Weird Kid as well. We had a great time but I missed Butch whenever I had a moment to think about it, and when I had more than a moment I would get to fretting about whether it would all turn out in the end.

Shortly after we got home he asked to reconvene a few days earlier than scheduled which made me crazy nervous.

We ended up ok.

I think we're ok.

I hope we'll be ok...

Since starting up again I've tried harder to see him more often because I truly want him to be more a part of me. We had the opportunity to go on a cruise together which was bliss. I love him more and more all the time. During our trip he even woke/rescued me from a (stupid) nightmare involving a certain demonic doll. It will be very difficult to let him go.

Why do I keep thinking of that? One morning I woke up kind of choked; I must have looked down (I was not sobbing or anything, but I was a bit teary) because he asked me what was up. I did not want to discuss it so I lied and said it must have been a sad dream that I could not remember. But I remembered quite vividly what had made me so sad that morning. I had had a dream that I was stuck in the corner of his room while he was with another woman. Why I would be stuck in the room is beyond me, and in my dream he even acknowledged I was there. But I couldn't cry in my dream -- all I could do was see what was happening (I cannot even call it "watching" what was happening) and feel intensely sad.

Maybe I am panicking a little as our 2-year approaches. 2 years seems to make or break it for a lot of people. It's science, almost. Hope not. I really like science and it would be tragic to be destroyed by it. Let's not say it's science. Perhaps it is just ill superstition.