Ash Wednesday

It’s been a very long while since I last posted; but today is the start of a new Lenten season so I thought I’d try to make this 40 days of self-reflection and getting into the habit of writing thoughts down once again. Other ideas of what I’m going to try and do for the next month and change: 1. No buying Starbucks of any sort (exception of course on my birthday) 2. Reflecting on the Rosary daily 3. Clean something every day. Anyway, here’s my first blog of the season...but of course I should be sleeping. I have been at my new job for a little over two months now. There’s still that very real fear of doing something wrong but it’s also getting easier every day to complete a case more efficiently and smoothly. The commute isn’t as bad as I dreaded it would be but it’s also long enough that I still get choked up at least once each day. Some days it’s just a tear, some days the tears will flow down my cheeks...luckily it’s never a full out sob that would put me at risk on the road. And coincidentally on those harder drives I always seem to be surrounded by VWs all of a sudden. Like dad is trying to get me to focus on the drive and also guide me through. I think there have been less than 10 days where I can say I have made it the full 24 hours without shedding any tears. Some days when I “catch” myself forgetting or not thinking about how he’s gone I feel almost guilty that I am “neglecting” to grieve. And then there are the days where I feel ashamed because I know dad would not want me to cry so much. I know there is no set time frame on when things will get better. People have told me it is going to be a long time and I know the pain never truly leaves you. I feel shattered and gradually pulling myself back together and squeezing myself snug to try and make everything stick...but it all loosens apart again a little whenever I think of him. I’m gaining a little more control though so I don’t feel so broken apart. I put a photo of the two of us on rotation as one of my watch faces. I find his smile comes up on my wrist at important times during the day where maybe I needed some encouragement or a thought that maybe he’s keeping up on everything that’s going on in my day and he’s cheering me on. You are so loved, daddy. And so missed. We will try our best without you and I hope you can rest and be proud of us.